


Please Swallow Your Pride

by 15Acesplz



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Trans Character, Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lup Is Wonderful, Trans Male Character, bonding over being trans, in the form of binding for too long, it's trans solidarity babey!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:33:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23354719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/15Acesplz/pseuds/15Acesplz
Summary: Magnus had been scheduled to get top surgery the week after the Starblaster's expected return. He had actually been in preliminary appointments for it since he was first accepted into the IPRE - but then, the mission was announced and the window of time was too narrow for a full recovery before the launch date. He was given two options: turn down the assignment, or postpone the surgery. He had chosen the latter. After all, it was only two months.It took Magnus about a week into the second cycle to realize that his top surgery was now postponed indefinitely.
Relationships: Magnus Burnsides & Lup
Comments: 16
Kudos: 88





	Please Swallow Your Pride

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Lean On Me by Bill Withers. As is said in the tags, there's some mentions of self harm in the fic. Magnus knowingly neglects his health and safety by wearing his binder for too long, which is a form of self harm. Read at your discretion.

Magnus had been scheduled to get top surgery the week after the Starblaster's expected return. He had actually been in preliminary appointments for it since he was first accepted into the IPRE - but then, the mission was announced and the window of time was too narrow for a full recovery before the launch date. He was given two options: turn down the assignment, or postpone the surgery. He had chosen the latter. After all, it was only two months.  
  
It took Magnus about a week into the second cycle to realize that his top surgery was now postponed indefinitely.  
  
That first year, he hadn't thought about it much. There was too much to be done, exploring and training and patrolling and adjusting to long-term life on a far-from-spacious ship. Not much time to dwell on his crawling discomfort with that one part of his body, especially when the majority of his body was his greatest source of pride. He liked his body, liked that he was young and strong and capable. He focused on what his body could do rather than on how it looked, and most days he could dismiss the dysphoria as if swatting away a pesky insect. And through that year, there was also hope - hope that someday they would find a way out of this plane, and Magnus would be able to get that surgery.  
  
That hope was shattered when their bodies were reset. He didn't realize the full implications of their circumstances immediately; the first 24 hours of the second cycle were devoted to _Emergency Team Meeting: What The Fuck Just Happened?_ , and then Magnus conked out for a good long time, and then the next few days were spent just getting settled on the new plane. But after that, it wasn't long before it dawned on him that top surgery would be a fruitless endeavor as long as they were bound to return to those recorded states.  
  
The revelation affected him more than he would have liked to admit. At the very least, he should be glad that Taako had years of experience casting the alchemy ritual that adjusted hormone levels. He felt silly, for being wrapped up in something so mundane when there were things like 'the impending destruction of all existence' to worry about. He felt ungrateful, for not being satisfied with the boon of extra lives because of this one inconvenience. Magnus _was_ grateful - he was! But sometimes he couldn't help but spiral into misery, thinking about spending an unknowable amount of time stuck in a binder - stuck in a body that wasn't right.  
  
He did his best to hide it from the others; he didn't want to bring down team morale with his dumb, selfish problems. He slapped on a cheesy Magnus grin and pushed down the insecurities like they were a rapidly accumulating pile of garbage. He overcompensated, flexing and preening whenever someone caught him shirtless. He worked out more than ever, hoping the offending soft tissue could be hidden under hard muscles.  
  
He was fine.  
  
But eventually, the insecurities piled up to the point of overflowing, crowding his brain and making themselves impossible to ignore. He couldn't put on a brave face anymore.  
  
Magnus hid in his sleeping quarters. He feigned sickness, telling everyone to stay away until he wasn't contagious, and buried himself under his blankets. He let the bad feelings wash over him, with no one there to witness it.  
  
Pretending to be sick kept most of the crew off his case, but Merle couldn't be deterred. He marched in wearing a surgical mask and insisted on checking Magnus's vitals.  
  
"I dunno, kid, your temp's fine..." Merle crossed his arms, scrutinizing Magnus. "What are your symptoms again?"  
  
"Uh..." Magnus did his best to make his voice sound gravelly. "Sore throat. Cough. And I'm tired. Just generally feel like shit." That last part was true, at the very least.  
  
"Uh-huh." Merle didn't look entirely convinced. "Okay, sit up, let's hear those lungs."  
  
Magnus sat up, reminding himself that this would be over soon. Once Merle was satisfied he would leave and Magnus could drop the act. Merle went to place the stethoscope to his chest, and stopped when he saw that Magnus had his binder on.  
  
"Gotta take that off, Mags," he said. "I can't get a good read on your breathing with it on."  
  
Magnus crossed his arms tightly over his chest. "No."  
  
Merle looked a little thrown at that. "C'mon, you shouldn't be wearing it anyway if you're coughing," he insisted.  
  
"I'm not taking it off, Merle," Magnus said, his tone short.  
  
Merle squinted at him suspiciously. Magnus avoided his gaze, a stubborn set to his jaw.  
  
"It's not healthy for you to be wearing that thing all the time -" Merle started, and Magnus couldn't take the badgering anymore.  
  
"Well, I don't really care! It doesn't matter if I fuck up this body, does it? We're always gonna go back to the way we were before." He pulled the blankets over himself and lay down again, his back to Merle. "Just leave me alone."  
  
He heard Merle huff out a sigh, and then heard him walking out of the room.  
  
He thought that was the end of it, but within five minutes there was someone else at Magnus's door. "Knock, knock," they said. It was one of the twins - Lup, Magnus figured; too gentle-sounding to be Taako.  
  
"Go away," Magnus responded without emerging from the blankets, "I'm sick."  
  
"He's not sick, he's faking," came Merle's imperious voice from the doorway.  
  
"Hey, Merle?" Lup said. "Do us a favor and fuck off, 'kay?"  
  
Magnus heard Merle grumble his way down the hall until he was out of earshot.  
  
"Tactless, nosy old man," Lup muttered. Magnus snorted. "Can I come sit?" she asked.  
  
Magnus scooted over, and a moment later he felt the mattress dip under Lup's weight.  
  
"So..." Her tone was carefully casual. "Merle said you wouldn't take your binder off. What's that about?"  
  
Magnus thought about telling her how his stomach clenched when he thought about his chest, how sometimes he wanted to claw his way out of his skin, how even with the binder on, his body just felt relentlessly wrong. Nope, he decided, too much. Keep it simple. "I look better with it on."  
  
"Well, no one can see you when you're hiding under there." She nudged him gently.  
  
"I feel better with it on."  
  
"It seems like you're feeling pretty shit anyway."  
  
Magnus let out a breath. "Yeah," he admitted.  
  
Lup stood up from the bed. Magnus heard her opening and shutting drawers, and then she sat back down. "Trade ya."  
  
He finally poked his head out of the blankets. She was holding one of his T-shirts.  
  
Magnus sighed, considering. Reluctantly he held his hand out for the shirt. "You can't look," he told her sternly, pushing himself into a sitting position.  
  
"Mm-hm." She obliged, closing her eyes and covering them with her hand.  
  
Assured that she wasn't looking, Magnus shimmied out of his binder and put the T-shirt on. He pulled the blankets almost up to his chin before announcing, "Okay, you can look."  
  
Lup uncovered her eyes. "There you go," she said, giving his knee an encouraging squeeze. "A little more comfortable."  
  
"I dunno if I'd say that," Magnus muttered, pulling his knees up to his chest.  
  
"Magnus, I know it's not ideal, but you have to take care of your body."  
  
"Why?" he shot back. "It'll just reset. That's why I can't do anything to fix it, so what does it matter if I wreck it?"  
  
"I know it's frustrating -"  
  
"No, you don't know," he snapped. "You already have the right body, you're not stuck with something that feels wrong -"  
  
"You're making a lot of assumptions about my transition, there, Mags," Lup cut in. Her tone was light but Magnus could tell he was testing her patience. He averted his eyes, somewhat abashed.  
  
"You're right that I'm not in the exact same situation that you are right now," she continued. "But if you're looking for someone who understands how you're feeling, I'm coming in with a lot more personal experience than anyone else on this ship."  
  
"Sorry," he mumbled.  
  
"You don't need to be sorry, just recognize that I'm trying to help. I know what it feels like to not be able to transition, and I'm here to listen if you need to talk about it."  
  
Magnus squirmed uncomfortably. "I don't need - I'm handling it -"  
  
Lup raised an eyebrow. "Hiding in bed is handling it?"  
  
"Today doesn't count," he protested. "Today's just... it's just bad today."  
  
"You don't have to ride out bad days alone."  
  
"I didn't want to bother anyone."  
  
"Hey, look at me." Magnus met her eyes. They were sincere, and a little sad. "You're not a bother, Magnus. You're allowed to ask us for help."  
  
"I know that, it's just - it's a stupid thing to be upset about -"  
  
"It's not stupid. If you're feeling it, that means it's real and important."  
  
"Not as important as the apocalypse."  
  
Lup rolled her eyes at that. "If we judged our problems by whether they measure up to the apocalypse then everything would be stupid. I'll go give everyone the memo, tell them to stop thinking about mundane shit like laundry. It's not the apocalypse, after all."  
  
Magnus fought a smile. Lup smirked and kept going. "Hey, Taako, quit griping about people stealing your go-gurt and spend some more time worrying about the apocalypse!"  
  
Magnus cracked a grin at that; Lup knew he was one of the main culprits of go-gurt theft.  
  
"Oh, Barold lost his glasses again? Who cares if he's got 20/20, it's nothing compared to the apocalypse."  
  
Magnus finally dissolved into laughter. "That one's not fair, though, let the poor guy see!"  
  
"Oh, so some things aren't so stupid? What about 'let my poor buddy Magnus be happy with his body'?" Lup tapped her forehead and winked. "Your needs matter just as much as anyone elses', goofus."  
  
"I know that..."  
  
"Do you?" Lup raised her eyebrow again.  
  
"It's just..." Magnus sighed. "It's just hard to say 'hey, I feel really gross and wrong and it would help if someone gave me a hug'."  
  
"Hey, I think you just nailed it, my dude. Wanna cash in on that hug?" Lup held her arms out, and Magnus leaned in.  
  
Magnus was definitely a hugger, but usually he was the one wrapping his arms around the other person, rushing in and squeezing his teammates tight whether they had asked to be hugged or not. It wasn't often that he let himself be held like this. It was nice, though. Lup was good at hugging, and she murmured comforting things in his ear as she hugged him.  
  
"I promise we're not going to be stuck forever. Someday we're gonna beat this thing, and we're gonna have time to do all the things we want to do. You're gonna be the person you want to be - but you know what, Magnus? You already are that person. You're such a brave man, and such a talented security officer, and such a kind friend. Everyone on this ship cares for you so much. You're already amazing."  
  
They stayed like that for a few minutes, and then Magnus pulled away, wiping his eyes. "Don't tell anyone," he said, and he meant for it to sound intimidating, but that was difficult when he was still red-faced and sniffling.  
  
"Don't worry, no living being shall ever know that Magnus Burnsides has feelings," Lup teased. Then her expression became stern. "And I'm serious about telling me if you need to talk. If I catch you wallowing in misery by yourself again I'll kick your ass."  
  
Magnus grinned sheepishly. "I know."  
  
"You ready to face the world again?"  
  
He hesitated. "In a little bit. Maybe."  
  
"Take your time, but come to dinner. Taako caught a lot of nice fish. And everyone misses you."  
  
"I'll be there," he promised. "And... thanks, Lup."  
  
She patted him on the shoulder before standing up. "Anytime, Mags." She shot him two fingerguns and another winks and then left.  
  
Magnus felt a little less hopeless. He had lost a lot, but at least he had such great friends.

**Author's Note:**

> You ever think about the fact that Taako canonically fishes? Because I do. 
> 
> Anyway, lemme know what you thought in the comments! Or hit me up at neurodivergent-angus on tumblr!


End file.
